reflection

I am not a very religious person. I was raised Roman Catholic, spent 8 years in Catholic school and then went to a Jesuit college after public high school. Yesterday began the Triduum. It is slightly ironic, I was born on April 3rd which was Holy Thursday, the first day of the Triduum. That could have been a powerful omen I suppose. However, what is more powerful, I was baptized on May 18, 1980. As some of you might know, that is the day Mt. St. Helenes erupted. I always joke that that was a sign of things to come. ;)

This weekend is one of the most solemn and celebratory times for Catholics. Today is the day that Jesus was crucified. This was the day that he gave himself for all of us to be saved.

It is funny, even though I don't celebrate my religion that much anymore (for reasons too many to list here ;) ) the above statement is fact in my mind. This is something that I have never questioned. Have I questioned other beliefs in my faith, the existence of God, if the immaculate conception really happened that way, of course. But for some reason the idea of Jesus dying on the cross because his faith was strong and he believed that he was opening the gates of Heaven isn't something I ever questioned.

While I don't attribute too much of my personality or belief system to being Catholic or my schooling, one thing that Catholicism has taught me is faith. I mean this in the broadest sense. I'm truly an optimist, although I might not always seem like one. I believe that the majority of people are good and intend to be good and have meaningful and productive lives. In my undergraduate education, I studied politics, crimes and criminals. I can probably name more world politicos than popes, serial killers than saints.

I was always able to see the person behind the crimes. And learning about the individual and his or her life fascinated me. When I was determining if law school was the right path for me, I worked for the DA's office in Erie County. I was assigned to the City Court Division in Buffalo. I had to meet with the Bureau Chief once a week and talk about my experience. Every time we met, I discussed the things that bothered me.

It wasn't the crimes, I was able to separate my personal life from work and left all that at work when I went home. What struck me the most was the hypocrisy, the lack of humanity that infiltrated every aspect of the system. I was continually effected by it. The words and actions of the judges, attorneys and police officers. Not the defendants. For some reason, I was still able to see them, in spite of the crimes they committed, as someone's mother/father, husband/wife, sister/brother, or child. There was this quest on my part to determine for myself if people are born 'bad' or if society or someone makes them that way. I still of course have not figured it out. ;) But I still wonder sometimes what would have happened if some of our most revered and reviled historical figures had had different lives or different circumstances, would they have fulfilled the same destiny.

I have wondered this about Jesus.

But above all I have wondered about his level of faith.

Faith.

It is something that can sustain us through hard and difficult times. It can raise us up and help us celebrate at the realization of our goals and achievements. It can be found in many forms. Faith in our friends, family, government, religion, education and our relationships with others and our world.

Faith has always gotten me through difficult times and trials. No matter how dark things seem to be for me, there is always an internal light. That is my faith. Faith that things will work out and will truly be ok. Faith that I have the strength to make it through. Faith in myself and those that love me.

I was reminded of this today as I read several blog posts. One from TriFolk and the other a picture from Shreve at The Daily Coyote. One thing that I often forget to do is observe and listen. Listen to my heart, my instinct. Listen to the world around me. To the silence or noise. Letting that fill me up, lead me to the right path. That is also faith. Trusting things outside of ourselves and surrendering. Surrendering our ego. Through mindful listening and observation so much can be revealed.

As I explore the limitations of my body, I have to surrender to this process. Let go of the (too?) high expectations I always have for myself and realize that this is all part of my journey. All of this is bringing me to the unknown place where I am supposed to be. I don't know exactly where that is yet, but I will eventually. If I'm patient and aware.

I have faith that I will accomplish my goals. It may not be in the time frame I've chosen or in the sequence I thought it should be. But I will.

I have faith in that, in this process and myself. And I think that's all you really need.