almost a year ago.....

I have been thinking about discussing this on my blog for a while now but I wasn't sure exactly how I wanted to talk about it, like exactly when I should share it or if I even wanted to in fact. It is something that I'm still getting used to and something so personal. I kind of feel responsible to spread awareness and talk about my experiences. Lately, I've been thinking about it more and then today I logged onto the forum and one of the other members had a post about the moment that brought you here. So here is mine. :)

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I was always active when I was growing up but as I started to get into middle school I just kept getting chubbier and chubbier no matter what I did. Thyroid disease runs in the family and my mother always attributed my weight issues to that but the doctors could never figure out what the problem was. I played sports through middle school all the way to high school (swimming, diving, basketball, tennis and cheerleading). As I entered high school, my weight started to fluctuate a lot, major ups and major downs without reason. Throughout college I worked out consistently and was able to maintain a consistent weight (not necessarily the one I wanted, ;) ) for that time. Still I was always having thyroid tests every six months since the doctors were convinced there was ‘something wrong.’ I was diagnosed with everything from thyroidism to fibromyalgia to RA to MS. Every time I went to a specialist they would say that whatever the test said, I didn't have that particular disease. Thankfully!!!

Fast forward to summer of 2005, three years after graduating undergrad, I moved back to Cleveland and not much about my activity level changed. I still worked out 3-4 times a week and was consistent with my food. Three months later, I had gained 50 pounds and was so disappointed. I had no idea what was going on. I started working out more and being very strict with my food, but nothing changed. I went for my yearly exam in March, 9 months after I had moved back, I had gained 10 more pounds and asked my new doctor to do a full thyroid panel. After much convincing she finally did, against her better judgment. Two weeks later she emailed me and said that she wasn’t sure what the problem was but that my numbers came back ‘weird’ and I should see an endocrinologist.

I saw another doctor and she ran a ton of other tests and diagnosed me with PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). After I found out, I had many mixed emotions and she kept telling me that it wasn’t because of anything I was or wasn’t doing that I had such a hard time losing weight. I’m not good at being a victim or feeling helpless and that was so difficult for me. Around the same time, I went to this terribly boring luncheon with my mom and there was a silent auction. One of the prizes was one month unlimited with a personal trainer. I bid and won!

I started working out with Alexis and tracking all my food. I found out that I was only eating about 700 calories a day. So my initial 'job' was to start eating more. It was so hard! I still am trying to slowly increase my calories. Thankfully, the more I train the hungrier I am. ;) Unfortunately, I have to take a couple of meds, which was very hard for me. I'm not a medicine taker and the knowledge that I will be on medication for the rest of my life for this is/was unsettling.

Then I had to learn more about PCOS. Everyday it can be difficult, most days it isn't though. But learning about this disease makes me feel more normal I guess. I know that things that happen inside my body or with my emotional/mental state are a result of PCOS and not my craziness. ;) There are a couple of things that are frustrating about PCOS overall. First, it is very common, 10% of women in the US that are of reproductive age have it. However, whenever I talk about it no one has ever heard of it. Most doctors are clueless about it and that is why it goes undiagnosed for years. Many women have to travel long distances to find doctors that have knowledge about it to get appropriate treatment. Further complicating matters is that even though the word 'ovary' is in the name, it isn't a reproductive disease but a disease of the whole endocrine system. Which essentially means that my brain doesn't work correctly. ;) Who knew right?! I'm lucky, I don't have many of the outward physical symptoms that come with PCOS but the unseen ones are there.

One of my biggest issues with being diagnosed was how I felt about myself. I have always been a confident person who truly accepted myself, flaws and all. I'm lucky that I'm capable of giving the unconditional love that I give to those I care about to myself as well. However, when I was diagnosed I became so disconnected from my body and I began to let it and PCOS define who I was. I have never felt so insecure with the way I looked or how I felt about myself as I did a year ago. It was so unsettling to be in my late 20s and have such disdain for who I was. What was more unsettling was that this was the first time in my life that I had ever felt this way.

So as I move forward, I know that I might face challenges that others don't but we all have challenges in our lives, they come in many different forms. And like everyone there are days when I get whiny in my head and feel the tiniest bit sorry for myself. What makes me feel better is that I have decided to define my life instead of letting PCOS define it for me. I might not be able to control things as much as I would like or see results as quickly as I would like but I've always needed to learn how to be more patient and this is another opportunity to practice.

I am so thankful for my family and friends and how supportive and understanding they have been. Interested in what is going on in my body and how my life is changing as a result. They are always so supportive and truly interested in my training and races. :)

I'm also thankful to have found CTC. Thanks especially to Jen C; she was the first person I 'met' from the club and I knew that if everyone was half as friendly and supportive as she was I would have a blast! I have made so many wonderful friends over the past few months and I haven't met one person that I didn't like. Everyone is so supportive and the best cheerleaders! :)

So thanks to everyone! Thanks for stopping by and reading my frequent (and frequently long!) posts and giving advice and support. Thanks for helping me learn more about triathlon and in the process myself. Thank you so much for being part of this journey! :)