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Today is one of those days my friends. Nothing seemed to go particularly wrong, but everything felt that way. First, let me apologize to all those I have emailed today and those I haven't responded to yet. I'm in a funky mood and I second guess every word because I'm so concerned with sounding bitchy or annoyed or miserable.....or all of the above. ;)

Today was an especially trying day with the kids teaching this afternoon. :( I had several that just didn't want to learn and chose to be disruptive and rude and nasty to everyone else. It was exhausting. I have kids looking at me for guidance and help and rescuing from the bullies and I feel like I need to be rescued. Please don't get me wrong, the kids are wonderful and have so many personal and home issues and I know that they are unfortunate products of parents that are too busy trying to survive that parenting falls by the wayside or parents that are absent or just sadly don't really have the ability to consider another human being and his/her needs.

Here is some seriously depressing info. Neglect is dangerous in several ways. One of the most serious effects, besides death, is the emotional effect on the child. When a child is neglected, they do not develop the ability to feel empathy for another living thing. We are not born with the ability to be empathetic; it is a learned behavior. So neglect produces effects that are far reaching, beyond the one person who was neglected. And we wonder why things in our world are so f-ed up.

So back to my kids. I try to talk to them, to get them to settle down and think about what they are doing before they do it. One of the boys is making fun of the only girl we had in our group today. He thinks she is fat and that she acts too white. And here I sit thinking what can I say to get this kid to shut up!? Then another boy starts picking on another boy who is autistic and calling him dumb and retarded. Then the last boy keeps telling me he isn't smart enough to be in this group and needs help with his assignments and he is dumb.

I'm feeling like I want to get up and walk away because I don't know what to say to them to make them stop. I know this is part of growing up but I have one kid arguing with another who then threatens the kid saying, "I'm gonna get my cousin to jump you. He is gonna lay you out, lay out! You want that, you really want that??" All the while, I'm trying to get through the story of Marian Anderson and how she overcame her struggles and achieved her dreams.

So I finally, sternly, tell them to all be quiet. I look at each of them as I speak and I say, "For the rest of your lives, people are going to judge you because of what you look like. They'll say you are too fat or too skinny; too tall or too short; your skin is too light or too dark. That you look stupid or nasty. Don't do that to each other. You all are friends, don't be THAT to each other. You want someone to respect you? Treat them with respect and you'll get it back. Think about what you are saying and doing, don't make a fool of yourself. Don't be nasty and hateful to each other."

I see them thinking, kind of 'getting' what I'm saying. I look at the one boy and tell him to apologize for the dumb/retarded comments and he does and shakes the other boy's hand. Unfortunately, all but one was effected by what I said. I see the young girl trying not to react. I tell her to ignore him and let it roll off her shoulders. Once the lessons are finished she comes over to me as I'm sitting there grading the papers and cleaning up, put her arms around my neck and her head on my shoulder. I tell her that she can't let him get to her. She will always encounter people who will try to bring her down and she has to stay strong. Not let them get her mad, get the best of her. She gets mad and reacts, they win. I tell her I know it is hard, but she has to stay strong. She is better than that.

I love kids. I love being around them and talking to them, relating to them. I love kids because for all they go through, they are resilient. I love how much they laugh. I love how one little giggle can make all of us rolling on the floor, overcome with laughter. I love how real their emotions are, how uncensored their words and thoughts are. I see hope when I look into their eyes. I can see the future for them every time I see that sparkle appear. I don't always see them for who they are today but for they can become.

That has gotten me in trouble before in my own relationships. Loving who someone can be, instead of who they are. I worry that is what happens with each of them some days. Am I too easy on them? Am I trusting that they will find their own path? That I don't have to guide as much as I would like?

But there are days where I worry. Times like today. When I see these incredibly gifted, imaginative, intelligent young men and women and I worry. I worry what they are going to become; if their world is going to hold them back. I worry about the opportunities they won't have. I worry that I'm not giving enough of myself to make a difference.

There are some days I leave East Clark and I had a great time and loved being around the kids and the reality of their world doesn't quite get to me. Then there are other days, like today, where no matter how fast I pedaled tonight on the trainer, I couldn't get away. I am glad that I won't be back til Monday. The weekend is a welcome reprieve.

I'm pretty sure though, no matter how fast I swim or pedal this weekend, each of them is going to be with me. Reminding me of why I go back and why I believe in them.

Because we all deserve to have someone believe in us, believe in our dream, believe in who we are and love us for that.