el fin

So much has been going on lately. I know I sound like a broken record. :P But seriously, there has been alot!!!

I want to apologize in advance if this post is sad or depressing. :( SORRY! Things have just been kind of surreal lately. My landlady has been so ill. It has been touch and go now for about a week. She starts dialysis today so hopefully that will help. Watching someone go through the final stages of life is difficult. I feel bad about even being stressed and exhausted by it all because I'm not the one who is dying. But I must say it is hard. I'm trying to keep her positive and comfortable and we all keep telling her that things will get better. If she can make it through dialysis today and the next few times she has it, she might be able to recover from all that is going on inside her.

Yesterday, KP was taken off life support and his organs were harvested for donation. I'm glad to hear that a little part of him will live on and that the recipients will be able to live full lives as a result. And then tonight, I have a wake to go to for my mom's old boss's sister, MAK. I'm so superstitious about death. Since there are two people within the past week, it makes me worry more about June. It always comes in threes. I'm going to remain positive. No since of worrying about things outside of our control, right?

Since finishing my project, I feel like I've had an ending too. Now things are closed on one chapter and I can begin a new one. :)

To me, all endings mean beginnings. I think that there is always a bit of sadness when something ends, whether it is a relationship, a big project, a life. We mourn the what we personally lose. Sometimes, it is hard to remember to celebrate. Sometimes the circumstances make it difficult to be thankful. Sometimes you just feel more like crying than laughing. But those are the moments when we see life for what it is. A cycle. We are constantly changing and growing. I truly believe that all of our experiences lead us to who we are at this moment. Good and bad. To remove something from your life would change who you are. Embracing that is the hardest part. The hardest part about life and accepting endings.

I try to remember to be thankful. When I lose someone, I try even harder. To me mourning isn't really about the person dying, it is about your personal loss. The fact that world will no longer be blessed by that individual's smile, sense of humor or love. Yes, that is sad and tragic. But the fact that we were all lucky enough to have it in the first place sometimes is lost. It is overshadowed by the sense of loss. At those moments, we must embrace that emptiness and recognize the times when we were filled up by that individual. Those are moments to celebrate.

Please don't misunderstand, I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't mourn. Just that we remember all the wonderful things too.

I think that we all have little mini life cycles that go on over time. As athletes, we are always trying to make changes in our lives to do better. Things have to give to make room for the new. Old habits or past times are given up for new ones. New relationships grow, while others are harder to maintain. We change. Our bodies change. Our minds change. But most of all, our spirits change. We see the process as we recount all we've done to get to where we are. We see our own losses, our own gains. The transformation plays over in our memory whenever we begin to have doubt.

It seems so fitting that all of this is occurring now. As spring begins and brings new life. The cycle of the seasons reminds me that things do end, but that there are always new beginnings.

Please keep KP, June and MAK their families in your thoughts.