Ups and Downs of Training

Let me first say friends that I really don't like complaining. I especially don't like complaining here but today was one of those days! Work wasn't great and I wasn't ready to go back after what felt like a very short 7 days off of work. After a day full of annoyances and just plain blah I realized as I was changing that I had forgotten my running shoes.  I was scheduled to get in 60 mins and then head home, shower, eat something and then head over to my yoga student's house at 7pm.  Which meant that to do this comfortably and not be rushing I had to be done with my run no later than 5:45pm.  Needless to say I was NOT happy when I discovered my missing shoes.  :( I rushed home and then got held up due some family stuff and didn't get to the park until 5:30pm.

I soooo needed this run.  I needed my run to fix everything that had gone wrong today.  I needed to go out and run hard and fast and feel strong and forget everything not great.  I needed to get dirty and sweaty and breathe the cold winter night air.  Some of that happened but most of it didn't.

This past Monday, I PRed. This past Monday the weather was shit and I ran great and hard and felt so amazing after the run.  Sure I pushed myself and there were parts that were a bit difficult and things I could have done differently but overall it.was.great.

Two days later and I couldn't find my footing.  I couldn't hit my stride.  My form sucked and I hated every minute I was out there. And honestly, I wanted to cry. If it hadn't been 20 degrees outside I would have.

I'm not a quitter. And I'm terrible at not meeting my goals or expectations.  I'm just really bad at disappointment.  Today I just couldn't take it anymore. I love the snow! It is one of my favorite things!!! But this year running in it sucks.  Every time my foot comes down it lands on something uneven and slides to one side. I can't stand up as straight as I normally do because my gait changes so much from the snow and ice.  I go from a midfoot strike to a toe strike and a mile in my left knee starts to hurt.  But most of all I get frustrated and disappointed in my running (or lack of). Then I quit. Mentally and emotionally, I quit.

All I kept thinking was, "Why did you decide to run a half in May, in Cleveland, when you have to train through the winter?!" "Why did you decide to do this for your FIRST half?" "Why do you always have to pick difficult things?" "Why can't you just be good at this?" "How are you going to run that 4 mile race on Sunday, when you can't go more than 4 or 5 steps without losing your footing?!"

I tried really hard not to get frustrated and give up.  I really did. But I just felt like I wasn't accomplishing what I wanted to or what I needed.  I had placed crazy amounts of expectations on this run.  It was going to make me better.  But it really only added to my day of frustrations.

After 1.7 miles or so I walked back to the car.

I was so discouraged.  The weather hasn't stopped me yet from running.  When I have a run scheduled, I run , no matter what.  But lately the snow has been really challenging for me.  Being outside, on a trail is what I need but lately what I need isn't helping me, it is making me crazy.  I'm going to get a pair of yak trax but I'm not sure that will solve it.

Running is pushing me in lots of ways.  It's just like when I used to train for tris or throughout the evolution of my yoga practice.  Running is forcing me to look inward so I can excel, change and grow.  Tonight might not have been the run I wanted but it was the run I needed.  It was the run that reminds me that not every run is great and that that is ok.  It reminds me that things can be tough but that is the exact reason I do them.  I reminds me to keep moving forward no matter how much I want to stop.  Through adversity we learn the most about ourselves.  Running helps keep me honest. ;) It makes me see myself and the ways I want to improve. I haven't had a lot of cheerleaders in my life to encourage me to pursue the things I wanted to.  I've had to do that myself and today was a reminder that it is important to be your own cheerleader sometimes.

Remember, for every uphill climb there is a fast downhill waiting! :)